Sadness at Christmas

Growing up I was always excited about Christmas. Setting out cookies and Beer, yes Santa drank beer at my house. There was always something fun happening, friends and family dropping in for visits or us going out as a family and visiting others.

Christmas is suppose to be a happy time for everyone but not all times are good, fun or happy. Sometimes we have sadness in our lives that prevents us from feeling the joy and happiness of the season.

Four years ago Christmas became sad time of year. On December 20, 2008, my father passed away died. I was not there to say good bye before it happened. I drove up from being away and seen an ambulance parked on the street. I just knew that they were at my house. I slowly walked to the door with many scenarios playing in my head and as I walked in the door I knew it was the worst. I had lost my dad.

How was I expected to carry on with the Christmas season with a dark cloud around me. Every year my dad would give me money to get his list of shopping for my Mom. I struggled with how to give someone a gift a few short days after that person was gone. “I ended up wrapping up the gifts and put a tag on them for my mom from my dad.

Since that day Christmas has been sad and I have not felt much like celebrating but did since it was my moms favourite time of year. 2 1/2 years ago my daughter was born. Christmas is for children and I needed to hide my sadness for her sake. So with a saddened heart on the inside I smiled on the outside so the world would not see the sorrow I felt at Christmas.
This year has brought more sadness to my life with the unexplained death of my mom. So again this year I will struggle through the holidays, like I do to get through everyday with out shedding tears. This year I started decorating earlier than I usually do. Since my daughter is only 2 and a half I wanted her to understand the meaning of Christmas, decorating and all the excitement of what is to come. I began pulling out bins of decorations, both mine and my moms. As I pulled out the different decorations I felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness come over me. The tears began to fall again.

I try so hard not to let the tears fall, especially in front of my daughter. However that isn’t the way it usually works. I can’t stop my self from thinking, remembering or wishing and that’s when it usually happens. My daughter sees and wants to know what is wrong. I tell her that I am feeling sad today and she comes and hugs me and pats my head, letting me know it will be ok. That is the reason I carry on each day, for my daughter. How can i explain to her at that moment that mama is thinking about Gramma and not have her asking about Gramma. My daughter has been asking about her lately and asking to see her. I tell her Gramma is up in the sky with the Angels and Grampa, which starts the waterfalls again.

Through the darkness and tears I will make this a HAPPY Christmas for my precious daughter. She will have her Dad and I and my sister will be visiting for the holidays this year. This will be a happy start to a better year and happier memories. If I can only stop my mind from wandering into the unchartered waters of grief I think I would be ok, but it doesn’t stop and I only wish that it would so I can go on. This is something I know will take time to get through, I will never get over the loss, but I will move on and enjoy my life.

How does the holiday season make you feel? Have you experienced heartache when you are suppose to have a happy heart?